The tale of 3 realizations part — 1
Forewarning — This is going to be a long post to read. A lot of swearing and pissed off emotions will come out of the volcano called Heart! Bear with me or walk away!
Dedication to the realistic thinker. You are a great friend that I have got. You sat with me when I was troubled with my emotions and didn’t let go like others. I will miss you in uni the most :’(
Oh, this is a 3 part introduction here — apologies for the long carriage ride here.
Scene — There is a crowd in an area — take any area of any place. Every person has their purpose — provision for families, ending something, starting, progressing. Some succeed, and some fail; some do it what for fun, for their needs and wants. Isn’t it the reality for all of us?
Oh damn! When did I become a philosopher so fast? I need to check what I had today.
Hola Amigas!
Yes, I don’t give a bloody damn about the patriarchal rules of the society.
It’s Rey Kimura here. So nice of you to read this blog of mine! Let me tell you about a few things about me -
- A hyperactive human person who is clumsy and quiet at all times.
- Loves the color black and gold — I wish to own a whole wardrobe with black stuff.
- I am very proud to be Bisexual and Queer! Without a doubt, no questions on it!
- I am sex-positive and believe little in God.
- Chocolate lover!
- Loves dogs and cats — problem cultivated due to Imelda.
- Two fave loves — Imelda + Female Odin and HATES THE EXPERIMENTER.
- loves fantasy a lot — dragons, witches, and ghosts (p.S — I like to read and visualize, but I can’t stand the thought of watching horror movies)
- Lastly, hate cockroaches a lot!
Enough of facts, let me tell the three tales that led to me starting as Rey and writing all of this.
Tale 1 — the legend of the lingering chills called Fear
Be honest with me when I ask you this — is it me, or has everyone got scared to talk to people? Or someone childhood fear that plays time to time in your head? Need to do something urgent without letting the great man of the house get a glimpse of it?
Me first!
I have been bloody scared when I talk to people. It is not about making someone angry (that is still behind my head — added fear actually). I am scared to talk, for I am not sure whether I will be heard or not. Two instances -
First instance — The experimenter’s father passed away during my first year of uni. I went with the two fighter cocks of the house to see. Of course, these mocosos locos, who we called a family, were there. I didn’t give a damn, but the next day, I feared losing those important people, which was like freezing in time. I had panic attacks a lot that day, and the person who helped was the realistic writer. It was not what she said, but she was there for me the most. Even the last year of my bachelor’s, when I panicked of not coming to the old campus for masters’, she asked me a question that I am applying at every point of life.
The second instance — Trust is a hard thing for me because it is a fragile glass bottle that many in my life have kept breaking it. In tenth grade, there was this smart-ass bitch who I thought as (hate this term) best friend who gave this precious bottle. She smashed it, and the pieces got lost. Higher secondary school — the beginning of the year, I met two great people. But it was for a while to depend. Same in uni as well. But my soul has now become a hollow space where emotions flow out.
Let’s come to my childhood fear — accidents. My real issue as a person who has mental health problems is I have some horrific imagery that occurs in my mind, and I freak out which the two fighting cocks say to chill out. This issue developed for me because of the experimenter’s driving skills. I told him as a kid, and he said that it is an illusion. Trust me, the ghost of the fear has been haunting like the grim reaper. Except that the grim reaper growls at me to start painting the wall. A story for another day then!
The few symptoms of the ghost -
- I freak at the circle and any vehicle coming there.
- I freak about the route from my grandparents’ house to my house.
- I freak at some areas that frequently visit.
- The sounds of trucks and tractors.
Writing this now is making my heart sink deeper. There is more, but the problem is I can’t make myself weak to do or complete anything.
The last talk on the tale of fear is the Experimenter. How he scares me — the person who looks upon you as an idol is something else. I saw that about the experimenter when he realized the truth of his family. I have jumped out and done some actions that he didn’t want me to, but that man has haunted me more than enough.
In the end, how did fear here?
Though I maintain a diary and write stuff like this, there is a chance of writing it more online, which started helping a lot. I am talking about Katana Mansfield, but I can’t mix it up because the experimenter reads it. The push of fear was to see if I can bring back my old fragments of strength that can be brought back to life.
That’s it for me, peeps! Here’s Rey signing off!
Ciao Adios!
See y’all in my next post!
I need a lot of claps and comments for this!! Thank you in advance!
Rey ; xo
